Screwy Blog

I have come to realize that for many of you, my blog is not rendering properly. I see it fine so I hadn't noticed right away. In the next few days, I'll be playing around, trying to fix what is broken. I'm not very good at this sort of thing, so bear with me!

Blaming the Victim

A woman recently made a comment on my blog, saying that my diet probably contributed to my cancer. She said, I can't imagine trying to get well from cancer by stuffing myself with crap-food... full of man-made preservative-laden junk that probably helped you to get cancer in the first place.I corrected her, as a) there is no proof that anything in your diet will cause breast cancer, b) my diet has always been extremely healthy with few processed foods, c) my post was not about recovering from cancer (as I know I won't) but recovering from colitis, d) it had a large dose of humor and exaggeration and wasn't meant to be taken seriously, and:

e) I will not tolerate any form of "blame the victim" on my blog.

That "policy" is not for me, but for all the freshly diagnosed women who find this blog and are looking for truthful answers and hope. I don't want them to blame themselves more than newbies to cancer already do - and trust me, they do.  It's part of the process that newly diagnosed women go through. "Why did I get this?  What did I do wrong? Was it that wild weekend I had in 1978?"

When I was told I had breast cancer, I was shocked, and looked for reasons as most do.  I said to my oncologist, "but, I have no risk factors."  He looked at me and said, "You do.  You were born a woman."

That was all I needed to hear to stop the blame game.  It wasn't my fault.

It's not yours either.

On my blog, even if a person did contribute to their cancer, let's say they have lung cancer and smoked, this is a blame-free zone.  Nobody deserves cancer, no matter what they did, and nobody deserves that sort of guilt.  What's done is done and any discussion should not be about blame, but about moving forward.

I'd have left well-enough alone, but the woman who made the comment has a blog, and she wrote about me there (posted in it's entirety below).  Her contention was that I have no common sense for not taking her advice.  She ignored the fact that I was under the guidance of a professional nutritionist, and that if I ate the way she wanted, it would not be digestible for me and could send me back to the hospital.

In a bit of hypocrisy too delicious for me to pass up, she also did not mention her professed love of whiskey,  her love of tattoos (both of which cause health risks of their own) and then after a rant calling me names, sums up her blog by stating that she believes that no creature "with nerve-endings" deserve abuse.

She must know about my neuropathy.

Oh, and by the way, all this attacking is okay because she knows people with cancer. Presumably ones who did not follow her advice, otherwise (ta-da!) they would not have cancer.

I started to wonder why she thought the way she thought, and why she thought it was okay to trash me the way she did.  Instead of continuing a back and forth conversation in the comments section, she ranted about me on her blog - where you can't comment.

What drove her?

After giving it some thought,  I think I understand why she did what she did.  She is playing "Blame the Victim."  While she did it in a much harsher and classless way than most, she is not alone in wanting to create distance from a cancer patient - or really, any sort of victim.

Blaming the victim is a popular game in this country.  You've done it, and I have done it.  I've first noticed this years ago, long before I got cancer.   Somebody would get in a car accident, and it would come up in conversation.  People would say, "Oh, they were probably drunk."  When it turns out alcohol wasn't involved, conversation would turn to statements like, "Well, I'd never be out that late at night." "I'd don't go on that highway."  "I'd never drive that kind of car."   A home invasion robbery turns into, "Why did they open the door?"  "Why did they have cash in their house?" "That would never happen in my neighborhood."

I still find myself instinctively doing it when I read a story in the newspaper, especially one that scares me, such as one involving an accident with a child.  But, now I remind myself that I don't know the complete story and horrible things happen to good people through no fault of their own.

Perhaps, with so much cancer in her family, this woman is terrified, and is trying to control the uncontrollable the only way she thinks she knows how - through diet.

This "blame the victim" is a protective mechanism we instinctively do to allow us to believe we are immune from random tragedy; that it can't happen to us.

But, it can.  The woman who wrote that blog post can get cancer, just as I did.  The truth is, nobody knows why people get cancer.  Sure, there is a genetic component for a very few.  But for most of us, it's just bad luck.  It's probably a complex combination of genetics, external environment, internal environment, diet, proteins in cells, hormones,and a million other body and DNA-specific things that in any given combination, can cause an error in cell division and thus, cancer.

There is just no answer.  People don't like not having answers, but if it was as easy as eating green, leafy, organic vegetables - there would be no cancer.

While an extreme example, people like the woman who blamed me for my cancer because of my supposed diet are no different than the fools of the Westboro Baptist Church who picket the funerals of our service men and women because of the policies of the military.   They blame the victim for something not their fault, for merely joining the military, and feel justified in their cruelness.

They are the ones to feel sorry for, not those of us with cancer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will put her post here just for context.   This is it in its entirety so don't go looking for it and give her any hits, and she doesn't allow comments so there is no reason to try to spark a discussion with her.

Truth...

"Common sense is not so common." ~Voltaire

I swear to gawd on high that there's no truer words ever spoken on this earth than the ones above.

I was going through some blogs that I read on a pretty steady basis & read one from a woman who has Stage IV cancer. Yeah, she's been through hell & back, as most cancer patients have been. My dad, my brother, my 41yo cousin, many friends, many family, many acquaintainces have had it. Some died from it & some haven't. This particular blogger is fighting for her life at the moment & is most recently trying to recover from a difficult surgery & C-diff. She weighs 90 lbs & is trying to gain weight... by eating processed cheese food-like substances, candy, canned preservative-ladened salt-ladened soups, and other really nutritious foods like that (read with sarcasm added!). I suggested to her, in the comment section of her blog entry, that she might do well to try fresh organic leafy green vegetable juices & fresh organic fruit juices & stay away from the chemically processed crap and sugar. After all that's probably what helped cause her cancer to begin with, in my viewpoint.

She responded like a raging bull, accusing me of saying that she caused her own cancer.

I give up on stupidity & stupid people. If this chick thinks she can recover well from her recent surgery, the C-diff, & cancer in general by eating bon-bons, there's nothing I can do or say to change her mind. If someone in this condition thinks that Fannie May & Progresso will make life all better, I wish her well.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but "well" is the last thing she's going to be, eating shit like she's eating. But why should I care? I dunno... I'm a sucker for stupid people, I guess.


Her profile:


Feminist lover of nature, land preservation, hard music, good whiskey & tattoos. Warrior woman for many causes, including the right of all living things with nerve endings to be free of abuse & torture, both human & animal alike. On topics I'm passionate about it's best not to cross me. I'm knowledgable about those subjects thus you will never win. Plus I can get very ugly!

New Year's Resolutions

Did you make a resolution this year?

Do you want to lose weight?

Did you clean out your fridge, throw away the cookies and cupcakes, stock up on vegetables, buy yourself a juicer? Did you get a motivational diet book or three?  Are you planning on joining a gym or taking healthy, invigorating walks around the neighborhood?  Have you recruited folks at work to help you? "Please don't let me near the candy jar!" "Want to walk with me at lunch?"

Did you order exercise equipment off Amazon?

Millions of people have the goal of losing weight for the New Year.  Millions have done all the things I wrote about above. You are not alone.

I am.

I'll bet you wish you had my New Year's Resolution.

Don't hate me but......

I have to gain ten pounds.

According to my oncologist, I weighed 105 in mid-November.  Thin, yes, but I like myself at 100.  Like all women, when we do go over our ideal weight, it goes to places we don't want it to go - for me, it's the belly and thin as I was, I had a muffin-top.  If it would go in my arms, legs, butt, calves, then I would be happy.  But any pound over 100 only goes into my belly, so I have chicken legs and a roll overflowing my jeans.  Anything over 100 and I resemble a spider.

I know, I know,  I get no sympathy.

I weigh 90 pounds now, after C-Diff got me.  No muffin top.  Maybe a bit of sympathy now?  15 pounds is a huge percentage of my total weight.

Yesterday, I was feeling better enough so I could actually leave the house. The major stabbing pain in my colon is slowly dissipating, and I'm left with vague belly aches.  It's time to go somewhere, anywhere but a doctor's office.

Leaving home presents its own problems - like what to wear?  I was skinny before I lost 15 pounds, and now that I look like a Holocaust victim, getting dressed is hard. Nothing fits.

Should I buy a few things to tide me over?  Who weighs 90 pounds?  11 year old girls, that's who.  So no, I can't shop unless I want to wear jeans with rainbows on them and shirts with kittens.  Kitten shirts may be darling on an 11 year old, and possibly an irony-filled 20 year old with a rockin' spiky pitch black hairstyle with a streak of red -  but they are not so attractive on a 53 year old grey-haired suburbanite.

My coccyx now sticks out farther than my buttocks does, which is very unsightly.  Come on, even if you are anorexic you have to think that's going too far.  On the plus side, I don't have to make that pursed face to add blush to my cheekbones anymore.

The frozen shoulder and chest and abdominal surgeries have left me with a forward pull to my upper body - a faux hunchback, if you will.  Finding clothes, especially pants, that fit and don't make me look like.....well........like a very sick cancer patient with too-big clothes hanging off her- it's not that easy these days.  My jeans sag, my leggings look weird, the flowy tunics show my "hump" and a shirt with a collar requires jeans that don't sag........sigh......

Having zero body fat, aside from causing worry about bed sores, makes sitting hard.  I have no cushion and I can feel my butt bones digging into chairs.  Even padded ones.

So, I bought one of these:

This is a "Booty Pop" Butt Enhancer

You know, just for the interim, when I gain what little ass I had back.  Trust me, I'm long past the point of worrying about fake enhancers in clothing.

But, you know what?  It doesn't fit.  The smallest size is way too big.  You see that ruched part that is supposed to go where your butt crack goes?  Well, in me the parts next to it are inches long and the padding starts in the middle of my butt check.    It doesn't pop my booty at all.  It may pop my hips a little but that wasn't what I was going for, because that makes my butt look even flatter.   It makes me look like I stuffed uneven socks in my butt that slid over to the sides, and it adds no padding when I sit.

With the unevenness that is going on in my shirt, it may be a match, but it does not add to the Ann "for her age" Hotness Factor, which was about a 6 before cancer and has hovered around a 3 since then (which is only in clothes, and is if I try real hard and put on makeup and do my hair and make my boobs look even).  Now, post c-diff, I'm worried I'm going to be in the negative numbers, and I don't want to get to the point where little children think I'm the witch of the neighborhood.

In this neighborhood, where at 53 I'm one of the youngest homeowners,  that would be quite an accomplishment.

Anyway, I'm disappointed that my fake booty won't pop and that I don't have comfortable padding to sit down in.  I'm going to have to start carrying one of those stadium pillows with me everywhere - you know, the kind old ladies carry around when they go see the 49ers?

I hate football but it was this or kittens

My last hope is that heroin chic comes back in style, and the fashion includes a port, too.  (Why didn't junkies ever think of getting a port put in?  Wouldn't that make their lives much easier?  If they can scam drugs from doctors, they should be able to scam central lines too, don't you think?)

As of two days ago,  I am able to eat almost a normal diet so in theory I should be able to gain weight back.  I tested half a grilled cheese sandwich made with a processed cheese food-like substance with no negative consequences, so  I am definitely on the road to recovery. The bad news:  Too much anything leaves me queasy, even grilled chicken and rice.  My stomach does not want to be full, or it doesn't know what to do with it - it's quite confused about this digestion thing.  It thinks the colon is just a tube with no job, and I have to remind it that it has a function.  Currently, there isn't a lot of digestion going on, it just seems to speed through me and knocks on the door at the other end when it's ready.  And, like with your best friend, sometimes the knocking comes at inconvenient times.

I don't want to fire it though, we just need to retrain it.

Despite all these complications, it's time to work on my New Year's Resolution.  I don't want my oncologist to have sleepless nights over the possibility of my bedsores, so I've got to get my fat on.

Courageously, despite my clothing difficulties, I left the house and hit See's Candy.  I bought myself a pound of Nuts and Chews.  I've heard many people say they eat candy and might as well apply it directly to their hips - sounds like a plan.  Hips, here comes a pound. (Is that a pound of candy or is the box and paper wrappings included?)

I'm not new to See's Candy.  Normally, I like a little See's around for my chocolate craving and my husband is very good at providing it to me.  But, I'm very disciplined about it - I eat one piece a day.  I have willpower like that. (Actually, it's just lack of a sweet tooth; that's all the sugar I need.  Put me in front of salt - pickles, olives, sunflower seeds - and you won't see any kind of willpower because I don't really have any.)

Yesterday, in the interests of gaining weight, I ate four pieces of candy, which is about 280 calories.  Then my husband came home with a box for me, this time cremes, so I had to try one of his. 360 k-cals.

I'm on my way.

I aim to be one of those ladies who sits on the couch and watches TV and eats Bon Bons. I like Tabatha's Salon Takeover for my bon bon eating.  I totally want to do my hair like Tabatha and dress all in black; she's so chic.  (I'm already good at telling people what to do.)  Tabatha goes great with chocolate.

I broke the rules and at at midnight last night, I ate.  I got a Fage yogurt, which is more like dessert than yogurt, and that meant 140 more calories in.

Breakfast, I had a Butter Horn, 220 calories.

I'm kind of stuck though. I haven't been eating lunch.   I can eat a Progresso soup but they don't have much in the way of calories in them.  I can make another processed cheese food sandwich, but I do have cancer, I don't want to live on chemicals.  Not totally anyway.

What's in the fridge?  I have some oranges.  Some pears.  Yogurt.  Sauerkraut.  Celery.  Carrots.  Kefir.  Creme Cheese.  Eggs.

In the cabinets it's all canned things, like soups and beans and broth and pasta.

I'm not really that hungry anyway.

What do people eat to gain weight?  What do they do when they aren't hungry but know they should eat?

It's not like I can go to a fancy restaurant every day, I don't have time or money.  Just the thought of fast food makes my colon twist and I've had enough colon twisting to last two lifetimes.

Can you gain weight on four pieces of See's Candy and a yogurt a day?

This weight gaining thing is harder than I thought.

People tell me to try ice cream, but c-diff can make you lactose intolerant.  They said not to eat dairy but now that I'm handling other things I think I can try ice cream.  Except, it's 55 degrees outside and I'm cold.  I have some coffee heath bar crunch in the freezer though, I may have to break it out.

I think I'll just have some tea and an orange.  Don't hate me, ladies.  If I could take your ten pounds, I gladly would.

My REAL resolution is to scrapbook my photos.  My oldest is 25 years old and all photos taken since he was born and his little brother were born are in a variety of cardboard boxes in closets all over the house.  Then I got a digital camera and now they are on computers all over the house.  That resolution will take some work.  But, if c-diff taught me one thing, it's that I can die without warning, so I want to get those photos into books, even if the books aren't up to my artistic standards.  My scrapbooking standards are very high, and a page can cost me 2 hours and $200.00 so I really have to lower my standards and "get 'er done."

Sigh.  I think I'll go have a piece of See's.

What Doctors Should Do

Diamonds would work too

(Click to enlarge)

***Final Report***

Have you ever noticed that radiologists can't write?  I have read enough radiology reports in my life to know the difference between writing medically and plain old poor writing.  Radiologists either have so many reports to do that in their haste they make grammatical and word choice errors - or they purely can't write.

I'd love to see a Christmas newsletter from one of these guys:

"Insofar as Christmas went, it was a freely-flowing event, which is probably due to the unremarkable nature of the people incurred.  The weather was of minimal hazy density, and winter structures intact.  Facial rictus may represent Christmas cheer."

Anyway, I got excellent news on my latest scan, and I'm still kind of in shock as I no longer expect good news and me to be in the same place.

My bad.

I wanted to have my results sent to my oncologist, since the Infectious Disease Specialist, who ordered my scan "STAT," promptly went on vacation and was not available to go over it with me.  I had my Wednesday herceptin/doctor appointment yesterday, so with the help of my Case Manager, I got the paperwork sent to my "Onc" so he could go over it with me.  HIPPA does not make things easy.

I sat down with my doctor who read it in the exam room and went over the salient points with me.  He said I had some thickening in the wall of the colon but it is resolving well.  I'm healing.  I asked him if the thickening was causing the pain and he said "probably."  He said that there is fluid in my right lung but that he's not worried about it.  He thinks it may be leftover from the surgery, and it doesn't appear that cancer has gotten into my lungs, which would have alarmed me had I even considered it.  He did say they only imaged the bottom of the lungs, but I told him I'm not having any symptoms and didn't even know there was fluid in my lungs. I know breast cancer spreads to lungs but I don't think it has -  he doesn't either; he said it would have grown big by now.

I did say I can't cough because my colon hurts too much.  He didn't respond - maybe it's not that kind of fluid.

The most exciting thing he said - and I wish I could remember his exact wording - was, "There are no signs of cancer in your liver."  OR, he said, "There are no new signs of cancer in your liver" OR "Your liver looks good, no cancer."   I was very excited by my initial interpretation (no cancer period) and said that was a great relief since it had been so long since I'd been able to do chemo. I'd have expected to have a liver full of cancer again, and was thrilled I didn't.   He didn't dissuade me from my excitement so I assume my interpretation is correct.  Maybe they cured me after all, even with this setback.

His main concern is my weight.  He said at my appointment right before Thanksgiving I weighed 105, and now I'm 90.  A significant weight loss, yes.   He was concerned that if something "put me down" that I had no fat at all as protection, and I would get bedsores.

I thought that was a funny, if a typical, thing to worry about. People in the medical profession seem unduly concerned about bedsores.  When I was in the hospital I had to have regular bedsore checks; it was mentioned a lot by everybody, and they kept bringing me a foul-smelling creme that would help prevent them.  (Really, why can't they get a contract with Bath and Body Shop or Origins or some company that makes a  less industrial smelling creme - then maybe we'd use their bed sore preventatives).  I guess they are overly worried because it's something they get sued over, but maybe it's more dangerous than I would have expected.

Having no fear of bedsores at my age, but having a great fear of c-diff,  I told the doctor that we'd have to hope nothing would put me down for a while.  I told him I realized I was too thin, and I wanted to gain weight but eating makes me nauseous.  He suggested I try a compezine before mealtime.   If you look at what you are allowed to eat with colitis, it is exactly the opposite of the way I normally eat.  I am a fruit, veggie, high fiber girl, and those are not things I can eat right now without causing great intestinal pain.  So, not only do I have to eat carefully, I have to change my entire diet.  It does make me not want to eat too but I'll have to try harder.

I asked when I could start chemo again, and he said I'd know when I felt healthy enough.  He made an appointment for a month from now, so my goal is to somehow recover by then.  I need to gain at least five pounds, have this pain gone, not be nauseated when I eat and regain my physical strength. (ie., be able to go to Macy's and open their glass door.)

Anyway, out of all the myriad things that could go wrong with me, and that have gone wrong with me, being told I'm ten pounds underweight is about the best news I could have possibly heard.

I'll definitely be celebrating the New Year, even if it's with plain mashed potatoes and water.

So, here is the medical report.  I will mark in bold a confusing part.

FINDINGS ABDOMEN:  There is a new small freely flowing left basal pleural effusion.  There is minimal hazy density in the posterior aspect of the right lung base which is thought to be atelectasis rather than pneumonia.  The lung bases are otherwise clear as insofar visualized.  There are no definite pulmonary or pleural-based nodules or masses seen. What is seen of the heart is unremarkable. (Edit:  I would disagree with that statement; I have quite a remarkable heart.)  What appear to be right breast prosthesis and left breast implant are grossly intact appearing. (Edit: I would agree with the "grossly intact" statement; had he said grotesquely it might have been more accurate.)  What little is seen of breast tissues is unremarkable.  (Again, I agree.)

Liver and spleen are homogeneous without focal mass or enlargement.  (No mass!  Great... until you read the end, where it gets confusing.)  The patient has had resection of much of the left lobe of the liver apparently for neoplastic lesions in the interval between the current and August 2011 scans, and there is a linear band of low attenuation some 1.3 cm in diameter extending out obliquely through the anterior segment of the right lobe of the liver which is probably had treatment of a lesion in the central right lobe of the liver. (Edit:  this is where they did the ablation.)  When we look back at the scan of 08/08/11, there was a low attenuation roughly 2 cm in diameter area in the mid right lobe of the liver which has decreased to 1.5 cm.  There are no new liver masses or nodules identified. (Not knowing exactly what that meant, confused by the term "new" I decided that the area that was burned away in the ablation is now healing and is now 1.5 (or 1.3) cms. I found this sentence online that backs me up: "On CT scans, complete ablation is seen as a low-attenuation area devoid of enhancement or nodules, as described earlier.)

If you have a better idea, or you are a radiologist,  let me know.

Gallbladder, pancreas, adrenals, and kidneys are grossly unremarkable.  The same is true of GI, vascular, and skeletal structures in the abdomen except that there is a question of colitis with wall thickening seen in all of the loops of the colon.  Perhaps the patient is recovering from pseudomembraneous colitis.  I do not see any ascites or lymphadenopathy in the pelvis.

PELVIS:  Ureters and bladder, and uterus and adnexa (I have a body part called an adnexa?) are unremarkable appearing as are vascular and skeletal structures.  GI structures are notable for mild wall thickening throughout the colon which as discussed above might represent resolving pseudomembranous colitis.  There is no abscess or free intraperitoneal air.

In the interval between current and most recent comparison study, the patient has developed a small freely flowing right pleural effusion (didn't it say left in the first sentence?), apparent mild right lower lobe atelectasis, has apparently had treatment of central right liver nodule that has decreased in size from 2 cm to 1.5 cms (wait - it's a nodule now??? or I had treatment for a nodule and the space is 1.5 cms......) and has had resection of at least some of the left lobe of the liver.  There is no new metastatic breast cancer demonstrated in the abdomen or pelvis.

Mild pancolitis may represent resolving pseudomenbraneous colitis.  Clinical correlation recommended.

So, it appears to be almost great news, except for the mild ambiguity on the report about the area in my right lobe, no doubt caused by poor writing skills, and hopefully not poor interpretation skills on my end.  Until otherwise notified, I am choosing to believe there is no cancer and concentrate on healing my colitis.  Considering how I feel, the fact that it is healing is fantastic news; I fully expected to be told there was an abscess considering how much lower right quadrant pain I still have.  I guess it just takes time, and as we all know by now, patience is not my strong suit.

In any event.......

Happy Almost New Year!  Looks like you might have me around for 2012 after all!

Merry Christmas 2011

STAT meant stat, and I had my CAT scan yesterday.  They were not done with me until after 5:00 pm, so I don't expect to hear from a doctor until Monday after the holiday.  I'd like to think this pain is just a part of a long healing process - - - but I don't really think that's true.

But, the good news is I am going to have the quiet Christmas I dreamed of a couple of weeks ago.  I'm not exactly healthy, but managed my Christmas shopping - thanks to Amazon Prime.  Everybody gets something from me, and the gifts are wrapped too!  While I can't stand up long enough to cook an elaborate meal, we can get a Honeybaked ham and side dishes.  Mostly, I will be able to see my children and my husband and have a nice time with them.  We'll open gifts, than play board games, listen to Christmas music and maybe drink hot cider and eat Christmas cookies.  What could be better?!

People have also been very good to me this year, and I have more thanks to give out than I can possibly manage.

May you and yours have a very Merry Christmas - STAT!

It's not how sick you are...it's who you know....

I have been trying to get an appointment with an infectious disease specialist since December 14th.  I even got my nurse case manager on it, to no avail.  Nobody was going to be able to see me until mid-January.

I happen to have an acquaintance who is a physician, as is her husband.  It's the kind of relationship brought about by kids - our children are friends, so we see each other at birthday parties, volunteering at school, field trips, etc.  We are very friendly but not good friends; she's been very busy working, as have I, and except for our children (who are now both A+ students in a rigorous IB program), we are in different social circles.

Another friend who knows both of us told me I should tap her as a resource to get seen quicker.

Now, normally I'm not shy, and would do that.  I've done it with different people in other capacities.  But, she is going through something worse than I'm going through - her son - my son's friend since 3rd grade - has a serious disease and spends a lot of time in the hospital.  So, of course I know she has other things on her mind, and no way am I going to bother her.

Yesterday though, she called me.  She'd heard about my situation and wanted to help.   30 minutes after the phone call, I had an appointment with a specialist - for this morning.

I just got home.

I'm not bitter, this is the world we live in.  It isn't what you know/how sick you are.  Who you know is the most important thing in any endeavor.

Anyway, the doctor said several interesting things.  First, in his 20 years of practice, he had never seen a case of c-diff as bad as mine where the person didn't end up losing their colon or their life (or both).  He looked at me in amazement.  I was the worst he'd ever seen.

He said my gallbladder was the size of a melon on the hospital scans.  (I don't know what that means).

He also is concerned that I am still not well and thinks I possibly have a bowel perforation and/or abscess.

So, it's not over yet.

They are arranging for another abdominal CT scan, STAT.

STAT, I'm sure, means sometime after the holidays when folks get around to it.

He apologized for my having to have more radiation.  It was my turn to look at him in amazement.  I said, "Oh, don't worry, the cancer will get me long before radiation does."

I asked him what would be the "cure" for a perforation or abscess and he said they would put tubes in to drain it, and it didn't necessarily mean surgery, which eased my mind a bit.  I've been living in fear of shitting into a bag for over a month now, and I apologize to any of you readers who have stomas.  I just don't think I could do it.

Of course, that isn't true, is it?  The human capacity for putting up with what we thought we couldn't knows no end.  I imagine if I had to have a stoma, I would handle it as I did everything else - probably with a lot of  poop jokes.

He also said c-diff comes back in 7 days, "like clockwork."  He wants me to finish my vancomycin, (last one today) and then, just ..... wait.

7 days from now is the 29th.  He said, "that'll get you through the holidays."

That frightens me beyond measure.  I know for a fact I won't survive another bout of c-diff like I had before.  And, the doctor seemed pretty amazed I survived it the first time.  Unfortunately, I can't live on antibiotics forever so I have to stop.

But, I have refills and I'm refilling them.  At the slightest change - a loose BM, a new pain, a funny feeling,  I'm starting up again.   The fear of c-diff is a lot stronger than any doctor's opinion, and there is still no certainty that I am over it.  If my bowel is, indeed, perforated, than it seems like stopping the antibiotics would be a bad idea.  But, I don't have an MD so I will trust what he says.

For now.