Thursday, November 4, 2010

The man and the machine

When it comes to getting his patients into machines, my oncologist, like Dr. House, doesn't give up.  Next thing you know, he'll have his team searching my bedroom looking for toxic substances.  (He'll hit pay dirt if he looks under the bed.)

As I previously wrote, I have back pain, and my doctor wanted me to have an MRI.  Due to freakish circumstances, a year after my mastectomy I still have the goddamn expander in.  Because an MRI is a magnet and the expander has a magnet in it, I can't have that scan or the device will leave my body with the same explosive, electromagnetic force that caused Oceanic Flight 815 to crash land into the Island.

But it would totally be worth it if Sawyer was waiting for me at the end.


Since Sawyer's not likely to appear,  I was glad I had a way of escaping the MRI.  I've had enough tests.  I've been in enough machines.  I am not scared of them, and I don't dislike them.  I'm just bored.  Seriously bored.  You can't take your iPhone in there, you can't take reading material, you can't even scratch an itch.  All you can do is lie there and sleep.

Even trying to get a blog post out of it is difficult at this point. As many machines as I've been in this year, I have nothing more to say.

So, I was happy I could delay the test.  Yes, my lower back on the left side burns, but as long as I take the medicine prescribed,  I can live a normal, pre-post-cancer life.   I went about my business, figuring my next medical appointment would be Herceptin on November 10th..

Joke's on me.  How dare I think I could actually go an entire three weeks without being poked, prodded, examined or placed in a machine of some sort?

How delusional can a person get?

Yesterday, I had to face reality when the phone rang and it was Radiological Associates, calling to schedule a  CT scan.  Unfortunately, when Dr. House was told that I couldn't have an MRI due to the expander, he didn't give up hope, unlike California's Republicans.  Instead, he found a non-magnetic device to stick me into.
One good thing - my test is 5:30 this Friday.  I counted, and I've had about 70 medical appointments this past year, and this is the first convenient appointment time I've been given.  After work, right at nap time.

Maybe I'll see Sawyer after my dreams.


  1. 70 appointments this year? You have me beat. This year I'll end up with around 50 or so. The past two years I had around 70 each - the first of those included radiation but last year just included everything else under the sun.

  2. With chemo, herceptin, MUGAs, plastics, surgeons, oncs, PCPs, scans, bloodwork......... it adds up. I'll count them at some point. A quick count on my iPhone showed 60 but I hadn't put everything in there. 70 could be conservative.

  3. This post was so funny. I have had the MRI's CT scans, PET scans, Head MRI's, etc. on a continuing basis. I loved it when you said that you could not even use your iPhone during your MRI and that it does not produce much fodder for your blog. Eventually, you run out of things to say about spending your precious time shoved into a tube. I have Herceptin on the 10th so I guess we are on the same schedule. Keep on keeping on. You are really a good comic.

  4. Hang in there ... the end of Herceptin is in sight! Eventually, the tests will be fewer and father inbetween. It does get better...


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