I started this blog a couple of years ago for a few reasons. The first has to do with sleep, a recurring theme 'round these parts. I have always loved to nap, and for some reason, it seems like the phone rings as soon as I lie down. That makes me swear and get very grouchy, and say stuff like "Who the f*ck is calling me NOW?" but then I have to be fakey nice on the phone so nobody knows I'm annoyed. "Oh hiiiiiiii, nice to hear from you."
When I first heard those fateful words, "You have breast cancer," the thing I thought was not, "I'm going to die" but instead, "Oh no, I'm going to be extra-tired from chemo and people are going to call me and wake me up!"
It was that thought that started me toying with the idea of writing a blog - I wanted to train people not to disturb me.
Naturally, after my initial diagnosis, I was very eager to get a first-hand accounting of what it's like to go through breast cancer treatment. Not knowing anybody in real life who had been through it, I googled "breast cancer blogs" and found this one. I landed somewhere in the middle and read a few lines, and found her funny and witty, and I related to her in a big way. I knew she would handle her treatment the way I would, so she would be a good model for me. So, I went to the beginning of her blog and read it from start to finish, the way I see many people reading mine.
I was horrified to discover that she died at the end.
I couldn't believe it. And, I was worried for other women, newly diagnosed with an early stage cancer, who might come across it and think that would be their fate.
(That blog has changed since I first read it - somebody has been adding photos and ads and rearranged the order, so I don't know if it's still the same content.)
Anyway, I now had two compelling reasons to start a blog. I wanted to prevent being awakened from naps, and I wanted to share the story of a woman with breast cancer who lived through it and went on to have a normal life doing normal things, like nagging her husband and avoiding housework.
I was going to write this blog cliche-free. No "journeys with cancer," no "long and courageous battles" no "new normal." Just plain speaking and some silly jokes.
That was my plan.
Unfortunately, today I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer to the liver. And, that means that this blog will end as all the other blogs of metastatic women eventually do. I'll share my struggle, my new treatments, my ups and downs. I hope I will do that for many years to come. But, eventually I'll write less and less, sleep more and more, and one day, my husband will post for me, saying I'm gone.*
How cliche is that?
I'm sorry, dear readers, that I let you down.
On to the life of a Metster. Tomorrow I have a PET scan to see if it's anywhere else in my body. Monday, I see my doctor for a treatment plan based on the results. Think good thoughts that it is contained in the liver and this back pain I've been experiencing is unrelated to any disease process. That would be the best case scenario at this point.
*Only he might not, because I won't be around to nag him.
PTSD and Cancer
2 days ago