Monday, December 17, 2012

Daily Twos

I receive hundreds of sales pitches asking me to promote products on my blog.  Surprisingly, this happens all year long, not just in October. This is because people are requesting that I write about their product whether it has anything to do with cancer or not. Apparently, businesses and charities think I am so desperate for content that I will write - for free - about anything they send me.  Maybe they think I sigh in relief when their promo hits my in-box. "Thank goodness somebody sent me their information about a Healthy Hoo Haw spray. I am running out things to say about myself."

As if.

One of my big pet peeves is that companies tell me about these fabulous products, and expect me to write about it, without ever sending me a sample.   I mean, Healthy Hoo Haw spray might have been right up my alley, had I known it didn't cause itching or smell like pumpkin.  It would be irresponsible for me to tell you about it without previewing it first.

So, imagine my disappointment when this pitch landed in my email with no offer to see it in person:

"A local environmental non-profit organization known for its composting initiatives has created a calendar titled “The Ladies of Manure 2013” as an off-beat way to inspire “greener” living by South Florida’s folks." 

I thought people sat on the potty in their yards in Alabama, not Florida.  My bad.

Aside from asking me to work for free,  this environmental company expected me to do it with a subject that doesn't relate to my topic and is highly local, and therefore has no value to the vast majority of my readers. As I have always said (and done), I will post the very occasional freebies if I believe my readers can be helped and it is within my topic.  

But this is totally unrelated to cancer, so I was about to hit delete.

When I read this:

"Through this calendar we want to try and get you to rethink all your waste, even your daily ones and twos....."

Aha.  Now it makes sense.  A person who has cancer pain and takes painkillers, whose liver is messed up, and who has been doing chemotherapy for three years, definitely has learned to rethink their "daily twos."

Of course, I say "daily" in the loosest possible way.

And, I say "loosest" in the hardest possible way.

Unless I have c.diff, in which case, it is looser than you can imagine.

Our cancerish #2 rethinking has more to do with getting on a good laxative/softener schedule than what to do with the culminating product afterwards.  Usually, we are just so happy to have a product at all that we get giddy with delight, and the resulting flush is music to our ears.  

Now, I suppose, this calendar could give us ideas on how to cherish those Terrible Twos forever, and turn a mean cancer side effect into beautiful flowers.

So now I can see why they want me to promote their poop and pee composting calendar on my cancer website.

But they didn't give me a calendar.  

"Ah!" you are saying. "But, Ann, this is a non-profit.  They should not be sending out free things.  You, out of the kindness of your heart, should be posting about composting your poop for free anyway."  And, maybe you are right.  We all know that non-profits never send out anything for free. No mailing labels.  No stationary.  No four color publications.  No rubber bracelets.  No pens or any kind of costly trinket.  Nope, they never give anything away in the hopes of gaining a little more.  If I want a free calendar, I will have to get a plain, undecorated one from my pharmacy, like everybody else.

So, in spirit of the season, and with the hope of Daily Two Good Karma  - while I won't mention the name of the non-profit - there are enough hints in here that if you are an environmentalist, compost-interested, green loving, poop-saving, chicks on toilets fetishist, you can figure out how to buy this calendar and give to the cause.

To those who want to send me pitches:  

My hard work building this blog should not go unrewarded. I have spent years trying to come up with content people want to read.  I've shared my personal experiences in the hopes that readers will be comforted by the fact that if I can do this cancer thing, even when metastatic, they can too.  If  you want your product noticed, then do what I did. Spend 3 years building a blog, pouring your heart out, thinking of jokes and trying your best to help people feel better in some way.  Then you won't need me.   Don't be that coat-tail rider on Survivor. Even if they win, they are despised.  (They may have a million dollars, but nobody likes them.)

But if you want a short-cut?  At least send me a freaking calendar.


  1. Today, I needed a belly laugh... and as usual, you DELIVERED.....

    ((hugs)) my friend.... and yeah... a freakin' calendar would have been a great idea....

    Hope you are doing well.....


    1. Thanks AnneMarie. And, the hoohaw spray is real too. You can't make this shit up.

      And, when I say shit, I do so longingly.

  2. That calendar is the weirdest idea ever... and a good laugh! Big virtual hugs! Elena

  3. Trust me. With the chemo regimen I am on right now, what is coming out of me is neither "green" (well, not yet, anyway), nor could it possibly help anything grow in an environmentally safe fashion. For now, I'll keep flushing, and thanks for the laugh!

    1. Oh my Barbara, I didn't even think about the toxic quality of our, um, end product. But you are right. It is more like a toxic wasteland than good compost. Don't forget to flush with the lid closed, like they tell us in chemo class! It's been so many years I forgot all about that. :)

  4. Ann--I could use your help, and that of your readers:

    Thanks, Jeanne

    The Assertive Cancer Patient. who would like to go "home" for Christmas/the holidays.


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