Thursday, August 11, 2011
I think I should revisit chemo brain here, although maybe I never visited it in the first place.
I don't know, I can't remember.
I had the strangest experience at work the other day. Apparently, our copier was out of toner. Well, not apparently, I remember that. A teacher (they are trickling back to work) came and told me, so I went in and got the toner for him, and he put it in.
Or I did, I'm not sure anymore. I thought it was him.
I remember getting toner all over my hands and washing it off and then going back to work.
The next day, another secretary told me the copier wasn't working. She laughed about it. She said it was making noises but if you pounded on it like burping a baby, or like rubbing the belly of dog (I can't remember) it would work for about 200 copies, but then start making a thumping noise again.
So, I called our copier company and requested a repair.
(They are Caltronics, by the way, I highly recommend them.)
The repairman came out within a couple of hours.
The other secretary and I went in with him, and he said the toner had been put in wrong. She explained that together, she and I (mostly I) had taken the other one out, and put in a new one, and it was still making this noise.
He said they'd both been put in wrong.
I looked at her, astonished, copier guy forgotten. We had? I don't remember putting in a second toner. I don't remember her being in the room with me - ever. I didn't remember that the copier had any kind of problems the day before. In my mind, the first I heard of it was when she told me that morning and I called the company.
But, that wasn't her experience. She said we'd both been there and talked about it and I'd gotten a 2nd bottle of toner out, and that is when I'd gotten it all over my hands. She repeated entire conversations that we had, and things we had done in that copy room, that are not in my head. All all. Things that never hit a brain cell.
That never happened.
Except, they did.
She has no reason to make it up, and I have every reason to be clueless.
Last time around with chemo brain, I had short-term memory loss. By short term, I meant I forgot things for a short time. My boss would ask me for something and I'd forget it by the time I hit my office, (about two steps away) but that was easily solved: carry a notebook and write it down immediately. If I didn't write it down, it would eventually pop back into my head.
Now I'm missing huge chucks of time, like Tara on United States of Tara. Permanently, it would seem.
I hope I'm not turning into Buck, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't fix any copier.
I know that I have also written emails to people twice, thinking I only did it once. It's a very odd feeling, not knowing what you've done from hour to hour. It's like my brain is a turducken: a chicken brain stuffed into a duck brain stuffed into a turkey brain.
I sure hope it's chemo brain stuffed into anemia stuffed into exhaustion, because I'd hate to think this is not going away. Peel off the anemia, and the exhaustion goes away, and then maybe I can get back to normal, forget-for-a second chemo brain and not live in this state of utter disassociation that I am currently experiencing.
I think I'll go have some ice cream.
I like ice cream, right?
Posted by Ann aka ButDoctorIHatePink at 7:13 PM