You did it to yourself, you know? Gave yourself breast cancer, I mean.
For the past few months, I have received daily breast cancer news updates, and the only logical conclusion one can reach is that it's all our fault.
You did it by taking all those vitamins.
And, by trying to stay hydrated.
You like your cookies, don't you?
And, you like to sit?
Did you smoke?
Or, did your parents?
Were you a party girl?
It's that night shift that got you.
You live in the big city?
How dare you shun the sun.
In case you don't want click all the links, the causes of breast cancer include taking vitamins, drinking out of plastic water bottles, being overweight, not exercising, smoking, second-hand smoke, drinking alcohol, working a night shift, living in a city with bright lights, or having a vitamin D deficiency.
(If you can't take vitamins but need vitamin D, does that mean we are allowed out in the sun again?)
But, wait! You can fix it!
Take an aspirin.
Or, if you prefer a prescription, take a beta-blocker.
Good news: you can eat whatever you want!
As long as you put tumeric on it, that is.
And, don't forget your mushrooms and green tea.
I can't wait to see the study called "Feeling Guilt Linked to Breast Cancer."
And, the counter study, "Paying Attention to Health News Releases can be Hazardous to Peace of Mind."
17 hours ago