Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's Your Fault

You did it to yourself, you know? Gave yourself breast cancer, I mean.

For the past few months, I have received daily breast cancer news updates, and the only logical conclusion one can reach is that it's all our fault.

You did it by taking all those vitamins.

And, by trying to stay hydrated.

You like your cookies, don't you?

And, you like to sit?

Did you smoke?

Or, did your parents?

Were you a party girl?

It's that night shift that got you.

You live in the big city?

How dare you shun the sun.

In case you don't want click all the links, the causes of breast cancer include taking vitamins, drinking out of plastic water bottles, being overweight, not exercising, smoking, second-hand smoke, drinking alcohol, working a night shift, living in a city with bright lights, or having a vitamin D deficiency.

(If you can't take vitamins but need vitamin D, does that mean we are allowed out in the sun again?)


But, wait! You can fix it!

Take an aspirin.

Or, if you prefer a prescription, take a beta-blocker.

Good news: you can eat whatever you want!

As long as you put tumeric on it, that is.

And, don't forget your mushrooms and green tea.



I can't wait to see the study called "Feeling Guilt Linked to Breast Cancer."

And, the counter study, "Paying Attention to Health News Releases can be Hazardous to Peace of Mind."

.

5 comments:

  1. You forgot the part where it's linked to not brushing and flossing well enough.

    And my cousin says that baking soda will cure cancer. Pass the word, but don't let the big drug companies know we know.

    *rolls eyes*

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  2. Been there and done that ... so what have I and Lance Armstrong got in common ... other than I also like Sheryl Crow ;) There is no rhyme or reason to it all.

    P xox

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  3. How about the one that says wearing an underwire bra gives you breast cancer? Or worse, the one that says wearing any bra at all gives you breast cancer! I'm all for comfy bras, but I'm not ready to go braless.

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  4. OMG, too funny. Of course we caused our breast cancers. Its our fault for not exercising enough, drinking alcohol, not eating vegetables, eating red meat, eating any meat, etc.

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  5. I claimed to everyone at work that my cancer was caused by showing up for Relay 4 Life and only walking around twice during the 8 hours I was there.

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