I'm not one to whine.
I promise. As long as you don't ask my husband, my children, my friends, or read my facebook updates, that promise holds up.
Okay, maybe there is a tiny amount of whining.
I've looked back on my blog and there isn't a profound amount of complaining, or else I'm in denial. To my way of thinking, I've remained true to my nature - I don't like whiners, so I try not to be one. There are enough people out there who complain contantly and my goal is to let people know they can get through this.
So, please indulge me for a moment:
This shortness of breath is really, really hard. Frustrating and hard. A pain in the butt and hard. Exhausting and hard.
I have bone aches that make me want to sit in a hot bath all day and note to self: update that hot water heater if I get mets. Better yet - get a hot tub. I have no appetite and have to force food down my gullet. Mostly candy, yogurt and bananas, which is weird and not anything I ever wanted to eat before, but it's something. I have fatigue. I'm dizzy and I have wobbly spaghetti legs.
But, it's the shortness of breath that is really bothering me. It's been the worst thing so far. It's what is keeping me sitting in one place all day. Day after day, I stare at a pattern on the wall where my wet dog shook mud off and don't have the breath to clean it. It keeps me from having a conversation. I have to take a breath in the middle of a sentence. It's what's keeping me from eating much. It's hard to eat and not breathe. People keep asking me why I'm sighing.
When you can't catch your breath, life is very uncomfortable.
I have a renewed sorrow for those lung cancer patients I sit next to in the infusion room. Their coughs are disgusting and irritating but it's gotta be hard to live forever with lack of breath.
My red cells are low which is probably causing this symptom, but it could also be caused by herceptin-induced heart failure. A very significant number of people on herceptin get heart failure and have to discontinue.
I have a heart test April 1st.
Oh, don't worry, if it comes out I have heart damage, it's reversible. I won't die of it. But I'll have to quit herceptin.
Herceptin is an insurance policy I don't want to give up.
Chemo is over next week and if it's simple lack of red blood cells - I'll recover soon. So, think bad blood and healthy heart thoughts for me.
Okay, I'm done complaining now.
At least, until my husband comes home.
My here and now
1 day ago