Sunday, March 7, 2010

Who ya gonna call?

For the past two months, my right nipple has been itching like mad.

Of course, it's a phantom sensation as I no longer have a right nipple.  

Even back when I did, a nipple itch is an awkward thing to deal with. If you are out in public, you can't just reach under your shirt and start scratching, at least not without attracting mulleted guys driving '73 El Caminos.

The only place a public nipple scratch is acceptable is Walmart, and then you are in danger of appearing like this.

All ladies know that the secret to scratching a nipple itch is misdirection.  You might casually reach over to your opposite shoulder and pretend to massage an achy muscle.  What's really happening is your bicep is secretly rubbing against the itching area.


Fortunately, I don't recall this kind of itch as a problem that happened often. (If ever - I might just be making all this up.)   But now that my breast is missing, that phantom nipple itches 24/7.

It's beginning to drive me crazy.

I know what you are thinking.  Why can't you just scratch the expanded skin where the nipple used to be, you ask?

Well, that area is completely numb.  Dead as a doornail. You could take a screwdriver and plunge it into my right breast, and like Locke on Lost after Sayid stabbed him,  I'd just stare at you, pull it out and say, "Now, what'd you go and do that for?" 

There is no sensation there to cause itching.  I am numb from my cleavage around to about the scapula area, where feeling starts to come back in spots.  I do have sensitivity under the expander, so if I push the skin on top, I can feel pressure inside my chest muscle on the ribs, which is quite strange.  But the skin is completely numb.

Except for the itching.

In the nipple I don't have.

Even though I can't feel anything, I try to scratch anyway. Who wouldn't?  Since I can't feel the area where I experience the itching sensation, I find a spot nearby that I can feel and scratch that.  You might see me gently rubbing my decolletage, hoping that somehow over cut nerves, the gentle scratching will transmit to the sensation of itching in an area I no longer have, and will provide me relief.

But so far,  no such luck.

Where's the Ghostbusters when you need them?


  1. Trying to think of something helpful to say and know Ann, I don't there's anything helpful to say...

  2. Probably not. Maybe I'll just go eat some chocolate.

  3. I had to giggle at this post because I have the same "itch" now and then and can't for the life of me figure out what, exactly, is itching. So I scratch at where I think it itches which doesn't really do any good except in a psychological way. Still, I can't help but laugh sometimes at some of the weirdness our bodies put us through. ;)

  4. I find myself scratching my breast form. The itch does not correspond with anywhere on my poor flat chest, which is a mix-up between numb and hypersensitive. But, I know exactly where that itch is on my breast and find myself scratching the form in that spot, then feeling very stupid of course.

  5. Its the god awful itch you cant scratch. Im so glad its not just me. My foobs are both completely numb. I could be groped on a crowded bus and not know. But.... of course I get the itching, which scratching does nothing for, because Im numb. This is on my top ten things I hate about cancer. Its not enough to be metastatic.... noooooo.... now I have to walk around with eternally itchy boobs. FML


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